Argumentative, Much?
by PeacexLovexPercabeth
Summary: A collection of Ron and Hermione's craziest arguments. From naming their child, to the length of Dumbledore's beard...
1. Naming Their Child

Chapter 1: Naming Their Child

"Ronald!" Hermione yelled. "This is serious! We have to have a name picked out."

Ron snapped awake. Hermione had been talking to him about what they would name their child (since she was now 4 months pregnant)—and he had fallen asleep.

"Come _on_, Hermione," Ron grumbled. "Do we seriously need to talk about this now? I mean—that baby's not comin' out 'til, like, 21 months."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You are really stupid sometimes. It doesn't take 25 months for a woman to give birth. Common sense, Ronald."

"_Common sense, Ronald,"_ He mocked her. "Who cares how long it takes? Just as long as that baby comes out, we're fine."

"Ronald—"

"And stop calling me Ronald!"

"_Ron_, giving birth is a very important and beautiful thing. You wouldn't understand because you're male. But we women take it very seriously. Contractions, vomiting, mood swings—women put up with because it's worth it! After all that we'll get to see our child born. Giving birth isn't something you should take for granted. It has to be planned out. When you become a parent you have to sacrifice some things—RONALD WEASLEY, WAKE UP!"

Ron had fallen asleep again. However, he jumped and woke up when Hermione yelled at him.

Hermione's eyes began to tear up. "You don't care about me enough to help me name our child! _Do you even want a child? _You wouldn't even care if I took out my wand and yelled a killing spell at my stomach, would you? Well…I think I'll do just that, SINCE YOU DON'T CARE!" Hermione pulled out her wand, but before she could perform a spell, Ron grabbed it from her and threw it across the room.

"Bloody hell, woman!" Ron yelled. "I just fell asleep. You're acting like this is some sort of big event going wrong."

"Giving—birth—is—a—big—event," Hermione said in between sobs,

Ron rolled his eyes and put his arm around her. "Okay…I'm sorry. I guess I'm kind of nervous about it too…but you're acting like the baby will die or something!"

"THE BABY _CAN_ DIE, YOU STUPID GIT!"

"Alright, alright—I'm sorry. Let's just focus on naming our child. We know it's a girl. So how about—Alesti?"

Hermione wiped her eyes, scrunched up her nose, and said, "I don't think I like that name."

"What? Alesti's a pretty name!"

"Whatever, Ron. How about…Radha?"

"_Radha?"_

"It means 'success' in Sanskrit."

"_Sanskrit?"_

"It's a language. You know—you could do with learning a few."

"No, no, no, no, no, no…bloody hell no! How about…Valerie?"

Hermione frowned. "That name is so…common. I want our daughter's name to be unique. Besides, Valerie Weasley doesn't really sound right."

"Well, Radha Weasley sounds stupid!"

"_You're_ stupid."

"Hmm, I wonder how many times you've told me that. Well, this is you—" he cleared his throat—"'_I'm Hermione Granger, I'm much smarter than anyone in the Wizarding World, and I want to name my baby Radha because it means success in Santaskirt."_

"It's Sanskrit! And I don't talk like that or act like that. Ugh! Let's just get back to naming our child. How about…Seiriol?"

"Ew! What does _that_ mean in Santaskirt? Let me guess…cereal."

"It's not Santaskirt—I mean Sanskrit. It's Welsh. It means 'the bright one'."

"No. We're not naming our child Seiriol! It sounds like cereal anyway. How about—Ronalda?"

"_Ronalda?_ Isn't that your name?"

"I'm a boy!"

"Wow, really? Didn't your mum want a girl anyway?"

"This is not about my mum! Anyway…it's your turn."

Hermione thought for a while. "How about…Rose?"

"Why would I want to have a child named after a flower?"

She glared at him. "Rose is an elegant and beautiful name. Just like the flower. It also sounds sophisticated and intelligent."

"More like slutty and inhumane."

"We're naming her Rose!"

"No, we're not!"

"We are—"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

Hermione got up from her seat and grabbed the wand across the room. She pointed at her stomach and yelled, "YOU DON'T THINK I'LL DO IT?"

Not wanting Hermione to shout the killing spell at her stomach, Ron shouted, "Okay! Okay! We'll name her Rose."

Hermione smiled and said, "I knew you'd agree with me." Then, she walked over to Ron and kissed him on the cheek. "I can't wait for Rose to be born!"

As she walked away, Ron muttered, "I don't know how I'll survive 21 more months of this."


	2. Complimenting Each Other

Chapter 2: Compliments

"Ron, would it kill you to study just for once?" Hermione yelled as she, Harry, and Ron exited Potions.

Ron glared at her. "I _do_ study…just not for Snape's class."

"Goodness, Ron, do you want to be a squib?" Hermione retorted.

Harry facepalmed and said, "Do you guys have to argue every time we leave Potions?"

"Not my fault she's a stuck-up know-it-all," Ron snapped. He put on a high voice and imitated Hermione. _"I'm Hermione Granger, I love to yell at my friends and treat them like they're stupid, inferior gits."_

"Wow, Weasley, you got the Mudblood pretty good," a voice said from behind them.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spun around and faced Draco Malfoy.

"This isn't your business, Malfoy. Stay out of it!" Ron snapped.

"Someone's a bit grumpy today, aren't they?" Malfoy said. He looked at Hermione. "Arguing with Weasley again? Seriously, Mudblood, why do you bother with this Sickle-less loser?"

"I'm not a Sickle-less loser!" Ron said, clenching his fists. "Besides, Hermione's too pretty to hang out with a Sickle-less loser!"

There was silence for a while. Ron seemed to realize what he said, and his eyes turned red.

Finally, Hermione said, "Ron, you think I'm pretty?"

"Yes, I-I mean, no, uh," Ron stuttered. "Yes…wait, no—I didn't call you pretty!"

"Yes, you did!" Hermione said, raising her voice again. "Unless I'm starting to hear things!"

"Well, maybe you are," Ron said.

"If Hermione's hearing things, then I'm hearing things too," Harry said.

"Stay out of this, Harry! This is Hermione and I's argument!" Ron yelled.

Harry grumbled and walked toward the Great Hall, obviously pissed. Malfoy, looking uncomfortable and angry, followed behind him, muttering offensive words. Hermione watched them leave, and then looked back at Ron.

"Are you trying to say I'm a crazy witch hearing things?" Hermione said.

"Yes, yes I am," Ron replied.

Hermione thought for a while, then wailed, "Well…If I'm a crazy witch, then you're a STUPID GINGER…IDIOT! I BET YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DEMENTORS!"

"Oh—so I'm a _ginger_ now. If I'm a ginger, then you're a Slytherin!"

"What kind of insult is _that_?"

"I don't know…I'm too distracted by your sexiness to come up with a better insult!"

"You're—wait, did you just say you're distracted by my sexiness?"

"ARE YOU DEAF, WOMAN? THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN WHILE I'M TRYING TO HIT ON YOU!"

"Okay, first I'm pretty…then I'm not pretty…then I'm a crazy witch…then I'm a Slytherin…and now I have sexiness?"

"Yeah—and to be honest, I've always wanted to shag you!"

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again and said, "You're an idiot!"

"You're sexy and you know it!"

"Okay…just, stop with the compliments."

"I DON'T THINK I WILL! I THINK I MIGHT SNEAK UP TO THE GRYFFINDOR GIRLS' DORMITORY TONIGHT AND SEDUCE YOU WITH MY AWESOME BAMFNESS!"

"I will use this," Hermione said threateningly, holding up the giant spell book she had been carrying in her arms.

AN: Got that last line from Tangled. This idea popped into my head when I was bored and watching Planet Sheen…I know…pathetic. Also, BAMF stands for Bad Ass Mother Fucker, and since Ron becomes a BAMF, I thought it was appropriate to use this. Well, as appropriate as I can get typing one of my fics, HEHE...


	3. Prefects

Prefects

"'Oi, you!" Ron yelled at a first year Hufflepuff girl down the corridor. "Come here!"

The first year Hufflepuff girl walked nervously toward Ron. She was very little for an 11-year-old girl. She had short auburn hair reaching her chin and brown eyes that were currently filled with fear. Ron smirked as she got closer to him…this was going to be fun.

"Am I in trouble?" the girl asked nervously.

Ron fixed her with a fake glare. "Yes! Why aren't you holding my stuff, midget? Don't you know that first years are supposed to hold prefects' school stuff? WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

"S-Sophie Minfundle," the girl answered, shaking from head to toe.

"You are in BIG trouble, Sophie! You get FIFTEEN THOUSAND YEARS DETENTION—HOLD MY SHIT!" Ron dumped his books, rolls of parchment, ink, and quill into Sophie Minfundle's hands. She struggled under the weight of all Ron's stuff along with her own books.

Sophie looked like she could cry. "I'm sorry—I didn't know."

"WELL IT'S YOUR JOB AS A FIRST YEAR TO KNOW HOW TO TREAT A PREFECT! AND IF YOU EVER FORGET TO HOLD MY BOOKS AGAIN—"

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY!" an angry voice yelled behind Ron.

Ron spun around and faced a very furious-looking Hermione. She was standing with her hands on her hips and her face was red.

"Oh, hey, Hermione," Ron said in a controlled voice. On the inside, however, he was screaming.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING TO THIS POOR GIRL?" Hermione screeched at the top of her lungs.

"I just asked her for help to hold my—"

"You didn't ask me, you yelled at me and gave me fifteen thousand years of detention," Sophie pointed out.

"RONALD WEASLEY, YOU IRRESPONSIBLE LITTLE TWIT—" Hermione looked at Sophie sympathetically—"you can go, dear. Give Ron his stuff back and get to class quickly."

Sophie smiled and handed Ron his stuff back. She ran down the corridor to her class.

"What'd you do that for?" Ron asked Hermione.

"YOU WERE ABUSING YOUR POWER AS A PREFECT!" Hermione screamed.

"No I wasn't. I was simply asking her to help me hold my books."

"YOU HAVE A FREAKING BAG!"

"Well…bags aren't the answer to everything, are they?"

"You are a complete arse!"

"What are you guys arguing about now?" an exasperated voice asked from behind them.

Ron and Hermione turned around and saw Harry. He looked tired and impatient. His schoolbag was slung over his shoulder and his eyes were slightly blood-shot.

"RON IS ABUSING HIS POWER AS A PREFECT!" Hermione answered.

Harry looked at Ron. "What'd you do?"

"I was just kindly asking the girl to hold my stuff for me," Ron lied.

"YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR! THAT POOR GIRL WAS STRUGGLING AND SHE WAS SO LITTLE! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT FROM HER? SHE'S A DAMN FIRST YEAR, NOT A HEAVY WEIGHT CHAMPION!"

Harry groaned and rolled his eyes. "Seriously, guys. Can't you stop arguing for one day?" He turned and walked away.

"WE COULD STOP ARGUING IF RON WASN'T SUCH AN IDIOT!" Hermione shouted after him.

"Well, if you weren't such a bitch maybe we could actually get along."

Hermione was so angry she seemed to be glowing. Ron had never seen her that mad before, and he figured that calling her a bitch wasn't the best thing to say. Hermione turned away from him, then faced him, then turned away from him again. She did this several more times, until a boy who appeared to be in his second year rushed past with a _Hogwarts, A History _book. Hermione grabbed the book from out of the boy's arms and slammed it on Ron's head.

"_OWWWW!"_ Ron yelled, rubbing his head. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"You are _the_ worst, stupidest, most ignorant person I've ever met!" Hermione shrieked, and she stormed down the hall with the _Hogwarts, A History _book still in her hands.

Ron nudged the boy and said, "She won't be saying that when I'm shagging her in a few more years."

The boy glared at him and snapped, "That crazy girl better give me my book back."

**AN: Oh, Ron. Oh, Hermione. Okay-I had a hard time coming up with something for them to argue about! I need some ideas...please. **

**OH CRAP!  
>I also know this is a bit OOC...but not a lot, right. About the first chapter, I know Hermione would NEVER kill her child with her wand, she was just faking that so Ron would agree with her. You know how Ron is, the hot sexy ginger...;) <strong>


	4. An Argument at 12 Grimmauld Place

**IV: An Argument at Number 12 Grimmauld Place? Seriously?**

Mrs. Weasley shook Ron vigorously. Normally, on a Saturday in summer, she'd let Ron wake up on his own, but Hermione wanted to talk to him. She told Mrs. Weasley it was urgent.

"Ron, Ron dear, get up!" Mrs. Weasley yelled. She shook him again and again, but he wouldn't wake up.

Ron feigned sleep for a few more seconds, and then finally he groaned loudly and opened his eyes. "_Yes_, Mum?"

"Hermione wants to talk to you…now," Mrs. Weasley said.

Ron looked at her incredulously. "You woke me up…because _Hermione_ wanted to talk to me?"

"She said it was urgent."

"What could possibly be so urgent that she told you to wake me up when I was having a nice dream about—um, nothing. I bet that if I told you to wake Hermione up because I had to tell her something urgent, you would've ignored me."

"Well…Hermione is serious…and very smart—"

"YOU THINK HERMIONE IS SMARTER THAN ME?"

"I—"

"Well, she is!"

There was an awkward silence.

Finally, Ron said, "Ugh…_alright_, I'll get up."

"What do you _want_ Hermione?" Ron asked when he found Hermione sitting at the kitchen table.

Hermione looked at him very seriously and said, "Ronald…we need to talk about your grades."

Ron groaned extremely loudly. "You're _kidding_! So this was the 'urgent' thing my mum woke me up for? Something that I won't have to worry about until I actually go back to Hogwarts?"

"Ronald, this is O.W.L. year! You've got to study harder and focus more on your schoolwork."

"WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS _NOW_?"

"It's important to talk about important things beforehand. It makes the situation easier and—"

"I'm going back to bed."

"RONALD, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione…you're smart, which means you should already know this: When we have our O.W.L.s, I'm not going to _study_ for them, I'm going to copy off of _you_."

Hermione seemed to be glowing with anger. "SO…IF YOU ENCOUNTER A DANGEROUS SITUATION THAT REQUIRES, SAY, A TRANSFIGURATION SPELL, WHAT IF I'M NOT THERE?"

"Then I'll copy off the next person."

"Ugh…arguing again?" an exasperated voice said from behind them.

It was Ginny. She had just walked into the kitchen. It looked like she'd just woken up, her hair was a mess.

"Ginny…go back to bed!" Ron ordered. "This is between the _fifth _years!"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Don't even bother with that 'big brother' crap, Ron."

"Just stay out of it!"

"Nah—" Ginny pulled out a chair at the table and sat down—"I think I'll sit here and listen to you guys for some entertainment."

"GINNY—"

"RONALD!" Hermione shouted. "PAY NO ATTENTION TO GINNY! THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND I! YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR STUDIES AND PAY MORE ATTENTION IN CLASS!"

"Hermione," Ron grumbled. "We're not at Hogwarts!"

"I DON'T CARE! YOU SHOULD BE FOCUSED—"

"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! This is you, Hermione…_I'm Hermione, I'm really smart and shit, and I love to yell at Ron for being unfocused, which he totally isn't…I went to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum and I looked incredibly sexy that night—"_

"WHAT?" Hermione and Ginny yelled at the same time.

"Well, duh," Ron said. "She _did_ look incredibly sexy. If I were her date, I would've grabbed her arse while we were dancing and then we'd go some place private, if you know what I mean…"

"You're disgusting!" Hermione screeched in disgust.

"Hey, a man has needs," Ron said in defense.

"But, you're _not_ a man!" Ginny said. Hermione burst out laughing.

"SHUT UP, GINNY!" Ron yelled.

"In fact," Ginny continued, "mum really wanted a girl when she gave birth to you…she was disappointed when she found out you were a boy and was about to name you Katie."

"How do you know that?"

"Fred told me." Ginny smiled evilly.

Ron whispered to Hermione, "Listen, I know you've been dying to do this, so I'm just going to give you your wish…you can come upstairs with me and we'll have a nice snog or two—"

Hermione slightly smiled. "Well…Ron, that sounds—" Hermione seemed to come back to her senses and her small smile disappeared—"WE ARE NOT GOING UPSTAIRS TO SNOG! THE NERVE OF YOU!"

"Okay," Ron said casually. "Then, let's going up stairs and shag—"

"RONALD WEASLEY!"

"Well, you said we weren't going to snog. So let's shag."

"YOU ARE…" Hermione looked around the kitchen for a while, and then she grabbed a half-finished bottle of butterbeer that was left on the table and poured it all over Ron's head.

There was another silence, and then Ginny burst out laughing. She laughed so hard she actually fell out of her chair and hit her head, and even after that she was _still_ laughing.

"YOU…GOT…JUST…WITCH PWNED!" Ginny said in between giggles.

Ron's ears were red. Hermione was shaking with fury. She stormed off.

A few minutes later, Ron decided to go back upstairs to bed. Ginny's laughter was starting to get on his nerves. He stomped up the stairs and ran into Mrs. Weasley.

"Ron?" she said, startled.

"BLOODY HELL, HERMIONE IS AWFUL!" he yelled and he walked past her before she could react.

"Yep," Mrs. Weasley muttered. "They're _definitely_ going to marry one day."

**This took place in OOTP when Hermione and Ron were at Grimmauld Place and Harry wasn't. This was fun to write, especially since my week's not really been all that good. Not awful. Just not all that good. :( **


	5. Watch Your Mouth, Hermione!

**AN: This argument wasn't my idea. It was suggested in a review by OhHonestlyRonald, and it was so hilarious and brilliant I had to write it! Thank you, OhHonestlyRonald! *I like your username by the way***

**V: Watch Your Mouth, Hermione!**

It had been a long day for Hermione, and she was extremely relieved when she took her seat at the Gryffindor table and began to eat. Ron and Harry sat down next to her. It had only been thirty seconds that they had been eating before Ron accidentally knocked down his goblet and his drink spilled down Hermione's robes.

"Ronald, you fucking idiot!" Hermione shouted, glaring at him.

Ron froze, his spoon tumbling out of his hands. When he pulled himself together, he grinned mischievously and asked, "Hermione, did you just say 'fuck'?"

"Um…no," Hermione lied.

Ron turned to Harry. "Harry, mate, did you hear Hermione say 'fuck'?"

Harry nodded and grinned. Apparently he was enjoying this too. "I heard 'fuck'."

"I didn't say 'fuck'!" Hermione yelled defensively.

"Oh, that's right," Ron said, nodding. "You said _'fucking'_."

"I DIDN'T!"

Ron looked over at Ginny. "Ginny, did you hear 'fucking'?"

"Yep," Ginny answered calmly.

Ron peeked over at Fred and George. "Fred, George, did you hear Hermione say 'fucking'?"

"Yes," the Weasley twins answered at the same time.

Ron's eyes rested on Neville. "Neville, Hermione said 'fucking', didn't she?"

"Uh…" Neville looked at Hermione nervously, like he was afraid if he said 'yes' she would hurt him. "Um…I actually didn't h-hear anything…I've been d-d-deaf in my l-left ear, and it's my best ear, you know."

Ron rolled his eyes and shouted, "Someone give me a piece of parchment, some ink, and a quill!"

Lavender Brown rummaged in her bag and at last pulled out a piece of parchment, a bottle of ink, and a hot-pink quill. She handed them to Ron. "Here you go."

Ron took the quill, dipped it in ink, and wrote on top of the parchment _People Who Heard Hermione Say 'Fucking'. _Then, he got up and walked around the Gryffindor table, asking people if they heard Hermione say 'fucking' and writing their name down if they did.

xXx

After dinner, in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was sitting by the fire reading a book. She was interrupted when Ron slammed a piece of parchment that had _People Who Heard Hermione Say 'Fucking' _written on the top. Hermione looked up at Ron.

"What is _this_?" she demanded.

"Read it and weep, Toots," Ron said, smirking.

Hermione snatched up the parchment and read it. Every Gryffindor's name was signed onto it except for Neville's and her own name.

"RONALD, YOU MADE A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO HEARD ME CURSE?" Hermione shrieked, throwing her book across the room in anger.

"Yup," Ron said, sitting on her lap in the armchair.

"Ronald, get off my lap!" Hermione shouted. "You are such a little…twit! I cannot believe you would do this! I didn't even say…the word that you said I said!"

"Yes, you did," Ron shouted back. "You said 'Ronald, you fucking idiot' after I accidentally spilled my drink down your sexy torso!"

"I DID NOT SAY THE F WORD! AND EVEN IF I DID, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ANYWAY! YOU SAY THE F WORD! HARRY SAYS THE F WORD! HELL, EVEN NEVILLE SAID THE F WORD ONCE!"

"It's a big deal because you're smart and a goody-two-shoes—wait, Neville's said the F word?"

"Yes, that one time when we left Potions, but that is not the point—AND GET OFF OF MY LAP!"

"Ah, come on, Hermione, you know you love it." Ron started to move his butt onto her lap, giving her a lap dance.

"Ron—Ron, stop it! Ron—" Hermione began to giggle—"stop! This is totally inappropriate!" She kicked her thigh up and Ron fell off her lap. Hermione, for some unexplainable reason, fell off the chair and landed on top of Ron. Then Ron rolled over and was on top of Hermione.

As if this situation couldn't be worse, Harry entered the common room through the Fat Lady's portrait just then, accompanied by Ginny.

When they saw Ron and Hermione on the floor, Harry stuttered, "Um…I guess I'll just g-g-give you guys some p-privacy."

Ginny crossed her arms and said, "Well, it's about time you finally decided to enter Hermione's chamber of secrets, Ron."

Harry and Ginny walked out.

"RON, NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DOWN!" Hermione screeched.

"WHAT _I'VE_ DONE?" Ron replied.

"Yes, what you've done. Now Harry and Ginny think we've decided to engage in SEXUAL ACTS!"

"That would be nice…" Ron sighed. "BUT THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T SAID 'FUCKING' IN THE GREAT HALL, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS AWKWARD SITUATION RIGHT NOW!"

"I DIDN'T SAY 'FUCKING!"

"Yeah, keep believing that…"

"JUST GET OFF OF ME! I WANT TO FINISH MY BOOK!"

"Not until you admit that you said 'fucking'?"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"I didn't!"

"Hermione, if you don't admit that you said 'fucking', I'm going to lie to everyone that I shagged you. _Including_ the teachers and Dumbledore."

Hermione's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Okay…I said 'fucking'."

Ron got off of Hermione and helped her up. "See…how hard was that? By the way…I'M STILL GOING TO TELL EVERYONE I SHAGGED YOU!"


	6. Christmas!

"It's just what I wanted!" seven-year-old Rose Weasley exclaimed, beaming as she caressed her new Pygmy Puff.

Hermione smiled down at her daughter. "You've been a good girl this year, Rose. You deserve it."

"Santa put me on his 'nice' list, didn't he?"

"He sure di—"

Ron, who was standing on Hermione's right, made an impatient noise. Hermione turned her gaze from her daughter and glared at her husband. "Something wrong?" she snapped.

Ron grabbed her arm and pulled her over to an isolated corner of their living room. "You haven't told Rose yet?"

"Told her what?"

"You know 'what'!"

"No, I don't know 'what'!"

"How can you not know 'what'?"

"Just tell me what 'what' is before I jinx you into oblivion!"

"Tell Rose that Santa does not exist!"

There was a long silence following this, in which Rose and her brother Hugo shot their mother and father covert looks before returning to unwrapping their gifts.

"Did Mummy and Daddy just say Swanta Cwaus?" four-year-old Hugo quietly asked his older sister.

Rose nodded. "Yeah, they did. I bet they were just talking about how he makes his list and checks it twice."

"Ron, I think we ought to take this argument somewhere else," Hermione whispered.

Ron nodded and headed for the kitchen; Hermione followed behind him.

"Hermione, you need to tell Rose that Santa is not real," Ron said.

"I can't tell her that! She's only six!" Hermione replied, shocked that Ron would even suggest such a thing.

"Yeah, which means she'll be going to Hogwarts in five more years. Do you really what Rose to go to Hogwarts still believing in Santa?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I'm going to tell her sooner or later, just not now. It would practically ruin her childhood if I told her now."

"Oh come on, Fred and George told me Santa wasn't real when I was three—"

"Which explains why you're such an insensitive prat," Hermione snapped, walking past him out of the kitchen and heading for the stairs. Ron followed behind her.

"I'm not an insensitive prat, I just don't want Rose living her whole life believing that some jolly 'ol fat man sneaks in your house, eats your cookies and drinks your milk, and leaves you presents! That's creepy and doesn't make any sense! How can a person _that_ fat squeeze down a chimney, let alone bring presents around the world in a day?"

"Because he's _magical_, Ron."

"He's not even real!"

Hermione tossed her bushy hair angrily. "DAMN IT, RON, I'M HER MOTHER AND I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HER!"

"I'M HER FATHER AND _I_ KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HER!"

Hermione stomped into their bedroom and took off her shirt. "So you're saying that just because I'm her mother I don't know what's best for her, and that you know better than me? When _I'm_ the one that carried her in my belly for eight months and endured thirteen hours of labor?"

"No, I'm not saying that," Ron retorted, taking off his shirt as well and pushing her gently on the bed, "I'm just saying that we'll soon have to tell Rose that Santa isn't real, just like we'll have to explain puberty and sex to her."

"Okay, how about this—we'll tell her when the time is right?"

"Yes. Merry Christmas, babe." Ron then climbed on top of her and kissed her softly. Hermione reached for her wand on the bedside table, pointed it at the door, and whispered, _"Colloportus!"_ The door locked.

"I love you, Ron," Hermione said.

"I love you too."

"What are Mummy and Daddy dwoing in thwere?" Hugo wondered aloud.

Rose and Hugo had followed their parents upstairs while they were arguing, and had saw everything from Hermione tossing her hair to Ron taking off his shirt.

"Maybe they're writing letters to Santa to thank him for the gifts," Rose suggested. "They told me that last Christmas when they were yelling at each other about the fruit cake Mummy made."

"Thwey have to cwose the door to write letters?"

"I guess so."

"Old people are weird."

**AN: Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! Man, I have not updated this in a while. You know what would a great gift? If you reviewed this chapter! Anyway, have a lovely Christmas and may God bless you. 3 **


	7. Appreciation

Hermione plopped herself down in the best armchair by the fire. She rubbed her eyes, trying to soothe the hammering pain in her temple. She sighed. Her day had been long and awful. Her stomach grumbled, reminding her that she had barely eaten anything for lunch or dinner. She badly wanted to sprint downstairs and request a delicious ham sandwich and a bottle of butterbeer from the house-elves, but this action would go against S.P.E.W., so Hermione sat there and listened to her stomach growl.

Hermione thought about her day. It really had been horrible. She had never had a day quite like it before. It had started off good enough. She had went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, accompanied by Harry and Ron. She'd eaten a big breakfast, which had kept her full for her first class. However, her last class before lunchtime was not swell. This was because she had not finished her assignment in time because Pansy Parkinson had been pestering her the whole period, yanking her hair as she tried to listen to the teacher and knocking over her textbook while she worked. Hermione had finally lost her temper and bellowed at Pansy, which earned both her and Pansy a detention. After this, Hermione had gotten into a heated argument with her in the entrance hall. By the time the argument ended, lunch was over and Hermione was very late for her next class. For this, she had received a harsh lecture from Professor Vector ("You have never been late before and I do not want it to happen again! You have a great future ahead of you, Miss Granger. Please do not tarnish it with fighting and tardiness.")

"Hermione," said a soft voice from behind her.

Hermione spun around in her seat and saw that Ron was the one who had spoken. He sat down next to her and smiled.

"Yes, Ron?" Hermione said in exasperation.

Ron rested a hand on her shoulder. "I just wanted to say that you're a great friend, and—"

"I'm not going to do your essay for you Ron, so you might as well forget about it."

"No! I don't want you to do my essay for me. I'm just saying that I appreciate your friendship and I'm thankful for your loyalty."

"Yeah, yeah." Hermione rolled her eyes nastily at him. "Your act is convincing but it's not going to work."

Ron looked extremely insulted. "Hermione, I'm not trying to convince you to do anything. I just—"

"Shut up, Ron," Hermione snapped, finally losing her patience. Her day had been stressful enough, and she did not need Ron to complicate it even more.

"Why are you being such a—?"

"Such a what, Ron?"

The few people in the common room began to head towards their dormitories. They obviously sensed that a heated argument was about to erupt, and they did not want to be there when it did.

Hermione rose up from her seat. She began to walk toward the girls' dormitory, intending to flop down on her bed and fall asleep when she got there, but Ron yanked her arm and spun her around. His blue eyes bore into her and her annoyance increased. She absolutely despised when he gave her that look.

"Why are you being so grumpy?" Ron demanded.

"I'm not being grumpy, _you're_ just being annoying!" Hermione retorted.

"How am I being annoying? I just wanted to tell you how good of a friend you are!"

"Well, _why_ are you being so nice to me? You never take time to appreciate anything I do for you. I bet, if you and I were married, I'd do all the cooking and cleaning and you'd _never_ thank me!"

Ron looked stung. "I do appreciate what you do for me; it's just that—wait, why did you say, 'if you and I were married'?" Suddenly, a smug smirk spread across Ron's freckled face. "Why, Hermione, do you _want_ to marry me?"

Hermione blushed, wishing she hadn't said anything about marriage. "No. . .I'm just saying. . ."

"No, you weren't 'just saying'. You could've said anything in the world, and you chose marriage! I think this tells me a lot about your true feelings for me, Hermione."

"I never said—"

"And even if we _were _married, you'd have to do all the cooking and cleaning, because that's what a wife is _supposed_ to do."

"You chauvinist pig! Just because I'm a female doesn't mean I'm a slave—"

"I didn't say anything about slavery."

Hermione threw her hands up in frustration. "You are the most insensitive, sexist, unbelievable, stupid, idiotic—UGH! Fine, you think that a woman should do all the cooking and cleaning? So be it then!" Hermione drew her wand and cried the incantation she thought would be the most humiliating to Ron.

oOo

"Well, what'd you _think_ would happen if you said that? It really was very sexist," Ginny said, trying to muffle her giggles.

"I was just trying to annoy her," Ron replied.

"It sure worked."

"Oh, shut up. Can you just bring me to someone who can fix this? I look really stupid walking around with a sandwich head and a human body."


	8. Oh My God, Hermione, Look At Her Butt

Ron stared at Rose, completely bewildered. She had changed—quite a lot, for that matter. Her breasts had evidently grown over the school year. Her hips had widened, her butt bigger than before. . . She was so much more woman-like than she was the previous year. As Ron watched Scorpius Malfoy laugh and talk with his daughter, a wave of memories washed over him. Ron remembered her fifth birthday party, her first Christmas, the very day she was born. . .

Hermione poked Ron in the side of his stomach, snapping him out of his reverie.

"Ron," Hermione said, "why are you staring at Rose?"

"Look at her, Hermione! Look at Rose!"

Hermione smiled serenely. "Yes, our daughter's beautiful, I know."

"A little _too_ beautiful, don't you think?"

"What'd you mean by that?" Hermione demanded as she set the kitchen table.

They had invited Scorpius to dinner. Rose had pleaded with them to allow him over for weeks, and when they finally gave in, Ron had still felt quite bad about the idea of it. Rose and Scorpius had started dating in their fifth year, entirely convinced that they were. . ._in love_. The very thought of his daughter and Draco Malfoy's son as lovers made Ron want to snort. Draco Malfoy had been a slimy, no-good git to Ron, Hermione, and Harry in their years at Hogwarts. Malfoy had even fought on the Dark Lord's side during the Second Wizarding War. Malfoy was a horrible person, and Ron expected no less from Scorpius.

"I mean, Rose is a little too young for all this," Ron replied, trying to resist the urge to bellow his throat dry.

"What'd you mean, she's too young for all this? What is _'all this'_, anyway?"

"Her butt, her hips, her. . ._chest_! Look at her, Hermione! Look at her!"

"Yes, she certainly has—"

Ron could no longer refrain himself from shouting. "OUTSIDE—NOW!"

"Don't shout at me like that! You're not my father!"

"Ignore them," Ron heard Rose say to Scorpius. "They always do this."

Scorpius laughed in response, causing Ron's irritation with him to increase.

"Hermione," said Ron, as calmly as he could, "will you please follow me outside for a brief discussion?"

"I have a feeling it's not going to be a _'brief discussion'_, but I suppose I should. I don't want you going on like this all evening," Hermione said.

Ron strode toward the door, wrenched it open, and walked out, Hermione following close behind him. He heard Rose breathe a sigh of relief as the door slammed shut.

"Now, Ron, what is it that you'd like to discuss?" Hermione asked.

"Well—hmm—oh yes, ROSE HAS GROWN BOOBS, BUTT, AND HIPS!"

Hermione fixed him with a deadly glare. "What did I say about yelling at me?"

"Sorry. Hermione, dear, have you been paying _any _attention to our daughter at all? Look at the way she's shaped, look at her chest, look at her GLUTEOUS MAXIMUS!"

"So? She's _developed_, that's all!"

"There will be no developing in my house!"

"You're saying that you don't want Hugo to develop?"

"Oh no, Hugo can develop all he wants, I don't really care. It's just Rose!"

Suddenly, a smug smile appeared on Hermione's face. "Oh, I get it. You want Rose to be your little girl forever, huh?"

"That's right!" Ron exclaimed with dignity.

Hermione laughed. This was so typical of Ron, so expected of him. He had always been the overprotective, jealous type.

"I hate to break it to you, Ron," Hermione said quietly, "but Rose can't be your little girl forever—and if you act like she can you're going to end up irritating her," she added, for Ron had opened his mouth to protest.

"I'm just trying to protect her! I don't want her prancing around with two coconuts on her chest and a bubble where her butt's supposed to be located!"

Hermione sighed in exasperation. "You're overreacting, Ron, like you always do. Her butt's not even that big! You're acting the same way with Rose as you did with Ginny in her sixth year."

"Well, Ginny _did_ date a lot of boys. . ."

"Ron—"

"Hermione, listen to me. If our daughter continues to grow she's going to become a . . .a. . .a scarlet woman!"

Hermione giggled. "Ron, you're a grown man. Just say 'slut'! And Rose is not going to become a slut! I've taught her well. Plus, she really likes Scorpius, they could get married one day—"

"NO WAY! NO WAY IS ROSE GOING TO MARRY A MALFOY! DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT DRACO MALFOY FOUGHT ON THE DEATH EATERS' SIDE DURING THE SECOND WIZARDING WAR?"

" Yes, he did, but he ended up leaving the Death Eaters later on. . .But I see there's no changing your mind. I'd just like to know—how are you going to stop Rose from growing?"

"Easy, I'll hit her with an Anti-Growth Spell," Ron answered, as if that should've been perfectly obvious.

"Good luck with that. Look, we really can't stay out here and talk about this ridiculous subject all evening—"

"It's not ridiculous!"

"You can just stay out here and moan and grumble about this, while Rose, Scorpius, and I enjoy dinner inside the house. It's your choice."

With that she walked away and entered the house, leaving Ron alone in the garden, thinking about the best way to hit Rose with an Anti-Growth Spell without her noticing.

**AN: Yay, it's 2012! I hope you enjoyed this. Please, review, fave, and alert! :)**


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